Letter to the lost

Dear Little Lost One,

I know that the pain of living is unbearable right now and I wish there was a painkiller to numb the agony in your mind. What you have to remember is that it will not be only your life that your take. You don't believe that anyone cares about you enough for it to matter but your perception is distorted right now. Sometimes we fuck up. Some of us fuck up a lot. It feels like the end of the world. But there are always people who love you, people who will miss you when you're gone. We can start again as many times as we like. Nothing is permanent. Be whoever you want to be, you don't need to be the same person you were yesterday.

I hope I wasn't too late to save you.

Bipolar disorder and drugs

Having bipolar disorder means that I tend to get different reactions to various drugs to other people so I thought I would write down my experiences. I'm not saying that all bipolar people react like this but these are my experiences. 

Weed - I get stoned after 2 tokes. And I mean reeaaally stoned. Along with this I get extreme paranoia, I hear voices and I get hypersensitivity. This tends to manifest itself in extreme discomfort to the point where I can feel where my organs etc. are. I get racing thoughts but I can't remember whether things happened in reality or in my head even if they occurred only seconds before. So now I tend to stay away from that one...  

Alcohol - I become dangerously promiscuous, all impulse control goes out the window and I wake up not remembering very much. So yeah, mostly like everybody else. However sometimes I hallucinate from alcohol. One time my friends all turned into playing cards. It also triggers severe depression for days or longer.  So I stay away from that one too. 

MDMA (Ecstasy, mud, mandy, md)

There is a reason they call it ecstasy. Everything is amazing and happy and you just love everyone. I take it on nights out instead of drinking. I like being able to remember how good my night was.. Many people get bad comedowns from md both physically and mentally. Surprisingly I only get physical comedowns which are nothing in comparison to hangovers. Md is another drug which causes me to hallucinate. One of the most common hallucinations I have is of this dark-matter-like stuff which I can move around and play with. I also had a stampede of animals on a screen race towards me which I could also interact with - I put a zebra on my friend's shoulder.. 

Ketamine (ket, wonk)

Started taking ket back when I was 16. It completely alters your perception of the world. I once told my friend that conversations were like the tunnel and apparently I was quite convincing. I often think that I travel through walls and completely trip out. I have never had a bad experience apart from getting into trouble with my parents a couple of times when I was younger. Taken in small quantities it makes me feel drunk but in control.

Shrooms (liberty caps)

DO NOT TOUCH. Cannot emphasize this enough. Another friend with bipolar also had a similar reaction. When I tried shrooms I only took a small quantity. I dread to think what might have happened had I taken more. At the time that I took them I went fucking mental manic. I was running around the house screaming and laughing hysterically. I had a tantrum because I couldn't find my pliers and spent the rest of the night alternating between throwing tantrums and laughing hysterically. Fairly interesting for my friends to watch. Unfortunately that wasn't the bad bit. 

Two days later I woke up in my friends bed, confused as to how I'd got there. I recieved a message from the boy I was seeing saying that I had called him the night before crying hysterically and blaming him for my depression (I had been stable for several months before taking the shrooms). We had only been seeing each other for about a week so I seemed like a complete psycho. In fairness he handled it pretty well. The day after I had taken the shrooms I had been hit by an extremely intense depression. What goes up must come down and all that. It was so unbearable that I mildly overdosed on temazepam in an attempt to knock myself out, hoping that it would be over when I came round. After that I can't remember anything but my housemates told me that I had spent the night wandering around the house, crying uncontrollably and collapsing in front of everyone. It took me a week for the depression to lift. 

Cocaine

Does fuck all for me. I get no effects other than not being able to sleep for the whole of the next week. Overpriced and overrated. 

And that's all I've tried so far. 

I'm mad, you're mad. We're all mad here.

If you don't know where you're going then it doesn't matter how you get there.

Bring it on

A New Year and a New Blog

Things I have accomplished in 2012:

• Taken lots of drugs
• Slept with lots of people
• Fallen in love
• Broken someone's heart
• Broken a rib
• Done laughing gas in a helicopter
• Followed my dream
• Come 3rd at the student kitesurfing nationals.
• Excelled at academics
• Gained half a stone
• Lost a stone and a half
• Possibly relapsed into an eating disorder
• Been happy
• Been sad
• Been manic
• Been depressed
• Hallucinated (a lot)
• Been taken home in a police car
• Turned completely nocturnal
• Become proficient in the art of spliff rolling
• Had lesbian sex  
• Discovered that bipolar people should NOT do shrooms
• Learnt how to chop wood with an axe
• Been happy solidly for 3 months
• Been incredibly arrogant
• Convinced myself I am no longer bipolar
• Realized that I am in denial 

Bring on 2013.